the big 2-0!!!

So, basically I haven't written in this since my trip. I can't believe it's been that long since I left. I miss New Jersey and New York SOOO much!!! But I can't dwell on the past. I just have to live for today, right? That's what everyone says, but it's so hard to sometimes. I just want to fast forward my life sometimes and get this college thing over with. But then I think about it and if I got it over with as fast as I could I would totally regret it and want to go back. So the way I see it sometimes is that either way I'm not gonna be happy. 'Specially since I've had this lil confliction about whether I'm at the right school or not. Yeah, I'm gonna end up paying about 1/3 of what I would have paid if I stayed at ACU, but I don't feel like I have enough connections at UNT. But I'm also not there long enough to make connections, so I just have to give it time. Anyways, here I go rambling again.

So, in a few minutes it will officially be my birthday. It's kinda weird to think that I'll officially no longer be a teenager. That doesn't mean I can't act like one, but numerically I won't be one anymore. I've made a big deal about this since my last birthday, saying that when I turn 20 I'm totally gonna cry. I don't know if I will physically cry, but I think I'm goin' through some sort of midlife crisis if I dread turning 20 lol. But in all seriousness, I guess it won't be terrible to turn 20. It's just gonna be weird that my age no longer starts with a 1, like it has for so long. Real important, huh? Not really, but whatever.

Ok, so I don't understand why it's so hard for me to make a decision or why I have to plan things for such a far away time. How come I can't live in the here and now. I need to know where I'm gonna be 5 years, 10 years, 50 years from now. I hate the fact that I look too much at what I'm going to be doing that I don't focus enough on what I am doing right now. My brain's pretty much fried right now seein' as it's 12:41 in the morning. More later maybe.