the big 2-0!!!

So, basically I haven't written in this since my trip. I can't believe it's been that long since I left. I miss New Jersey and New York SOOO much!!! But I can't dwell on the past. I just have to live for today, right? That's what everyone says, but it's so hard to sometimes. I just want to fast forward my life sometimes and get this college thing over with. But then I think about it and if I got it over with as fast as I could I would totally regret it and want to go back. So the way I see it sometimes is that either way I'm not gonna be happy. 'Specially since I've had this lil confliction about whether I'm at the right school or not. Yeah, I'm gonna end up paying about 1/3 of what I would have paid if I stayed at ACU, but I don't feel like I have enough connections at UNT. But I'm also not there long enough to make connections, so I just have to give it time. Anyways, here I go rambling again.

So, in a few minutes it will officially be my birthday. It's kinda weird to think that I'll officially no longer be a teenager. That doesn't mean I can't act like one, but numerically I won't be one anymore. I've made a big deal about this since my last birthday, saying that when I turn 20 I'm totally gonna cry. I don't know if I will physically cry, but I think I'm goin' through some sort of midlife crisis if I dread turning 20 lol. But in all seriousness, I guess it won't be terrible to turn 20. It's just gonna be weird that my age no longer starts with a 1, like it has for so long. Real important, huh? Not really, but whatever.

Ok, so I don't understand why it's so hard for me to make a decision or why I have to plan things for such a far away time. How come I can't live in the here and now. I need to know where I'm gonna be 5 years, 10 years, 50 years from now. I hate the fact that I look too much at what I'm going to be doing that I don't focus enough on what I am doing right now. My brain's pretty much fried right now seein' as it's 12:41 in the morning. More later maybe.

NEW YORK NEW YORK!!!

so...yeah....this is a pretty awesome/interesting trip so far....me and mona got to new jersey and the airline lost my luggage, but then they called me at 3:45 AM and brought it to the door (at {donna}'s house...luckily i was still awake....i slept for a few hours (7 am -10 am)...so then on monday, we went to go look at schools for me...we looked at Kean University and then Seton Hall University and then Montclair State University....it was pretty fun...in b/w each school, i kinda caught up on my sleep lol.....but the schools were really cool and nice lookin' and i enjoyed getting to see all the different things.....it's def different up here....they actually recycle and care about the environment, it's pretty awesome!!! at Kean Univ., we couldn't get any info on the grad school stuff 'cause the building where the info was located was "evacuated" b/c of an asbestos problem....then we went to seton hall and chilled in the bookstore for a while 'cause it was a really cool bookstore....then we tried to drive around the campus a lil but couldn't really figure out how to lol....then we found a sign that said Holy Face and mona took her pic next to it.....then we headed off to Montclair State and drove in places where ur not supposed to drive lol and walked like all over campus and they had some cool art and stuff, and then i got some grad school information from them...and then we headed back to donna's house and just chilled for the rest of the night

i think we went to the beach that morning (Tuesday) and then to times sqaure that night...we were gonna go to Hello Deli, but it was closed, so instead, we went to Bubba Gump in Times Square...the food there was amazing and the people that worked there were really nice too!!! and then after that, we headed back to donna's house...somewhere in there, we went into Virgin...it was an amazing 3-story store, it was really cool...o yeah, and crossing the streets, no one pays attention to the whole "walk" "don't walk" thing, so there was an 18-wheeler who had his hazard lights on (and i thought it was his blinker) so i went ahead and crossed the street and the truck just kept coming....i felt stupid, but it was hilarious...anyways.....

the next day (Wednesday), mona's aunt took us on a "one day tour of new york"...that was exhausting! it was totally fun, but took a lot of energy out of me....we left at like 9:30 and got to new york at about 10:30....then we went to find this lil bakery called Baby Cakes (they make like gluten free and sugar free desserts and stuff, but also regular ones too)...that was really good.....but before we got our desserts there, we went to this lil cafe called Orchid or something like that and i had the best turkey reuben in the world!!! it was delectable!!! and then i had, i think, banana chocolate chip bread...it was delicious......then we went took the bus to look at the WTC area, it was somber....then mona's aunt took us to see the statue of liberty (from far away, not up close, but that's cool)....and then me and mona had ourselves drawn (the pic looks nothing like us, but it was fun)...and then we met mona's aunt's friend and she showed us central park and then we all went to the Time Warner building and sat for a while.....and then we took a taxi (that was the best ride of my life...it was unbelievably awesomely fast, out of control and insane!!! it was the best...i wish i had skills like our taxi driver)...we took the taxi to Little Italy, one of the most gorgeous parts of NYC (in my opinion) and we ate at La Mela....i just had the simple spaghetti marinara and i have to say it's gonna take a lot to beat that spaghetti!! it was sooo scrumptious!!! ooo and i got a t-shirt..it's really cool lookin...then we walked around Little Italy for a few hours, we went to Ferrara's and got a lil desert, which was pretty good...then we went into some shop and i got a "Prada" purse (it was love at first sight lol)....then we got some t-shirts at a few different places...mona def bargained the stuff down to a reasonable price, it was cool....then i got tired, so we got back on the subway and headed back to NY Penn station and waited about 20 minutes for our train and then we headed back to donna's house...

let's see....the next morning (Thursday), we were gonna wake up and go to "The Today Show", but we ended up not b/c i slept in until like 1:30...so instead, donna looked up a lighthouse and we visited that....it was insanely awesome!!!! and we went down to Sandy Hook beach and walked along the beach for a lil' while....and we got some pics along the way....the lighthouse was really cool and interesting and def worth the time we spent there!!!! and then we went to WaWa's....they have the most amazing subs/hoagies in the entire world and the most insanely awesome iced tea in the world....no1 can beat it's awesomeness!!!.....then we came and chilled at donna's house again and kinda just laid around for the rest of the night, met a few of donna's friends and watched "Anchorman" for the first time in forever (freakin' love that movie)...then i think i went to bed or something lol....

then we woke up this morning (Friday) and chilled for a bit and kinda figured out places we wanted to go and found them on the map (which i forgot to pick up so we had to get another one when we got to NY and re-map out where we wanted to go lol) and after we figured out what subways to take we were headed off.....we got a $1 hot dog from a vendor (which was suprisingly good) and then went to Veniero (a bakery) and got some desert stuff....then we hopped back on the subway and headed to Lucky's (mona didn't buy anything from there)....then we were gonna go to Levi's, but mona just decided not to, so instead we hopped on the E train and headed to Ed Hardy's (freakin' awesome amazing store).....i found the shirt of my dreams, but they didn't have my size (sad day)....and mona found some shirts, but decided to get a belt instead....it was so much fun to look through that store, it's amazing!!!!....then after ed hardy's we headed back to the subway and then back to time's square, and mona wanted to shop some more, but i was kind of hungry, so we headed to Planet Hollywood...it was pretty ok...and then after that, we went to the MTV store for like 5 seconds and then i was dying for some starbucks, so we found one and i got myself a grande mocha frap w/ no whip cream (it was amazing!!!)...and then after that we headed back to NY Penn station and waited for the train to come back to donna's house....and then we walked back to donna's house from the train station and have been chillin' ever since....mona's been asleep for a good hour or hour and a half now, and i'm about to go to bed, 'cause we're supposed to go shopping more tomorrow and then we're gonna see STOMP tomorrow night....kinda excited....well off to bed now....g'nite

That's Life

man....I just can't stay mad/angry/sad for very long...my happiness usually ends up takin' over, which is a good thing....I tried to stay mad/angry/sad for not bein' able to go to the Jonas Brothers concert in arkansas, but I know it's ok that I miss this one 'cause I'll see them twice this summer. And I'm lucky enough to be able to do that. I know lots of people won't get to see them 'cause JB isn't gonna be playin' anywhere near them...I told myself and all my friends that I would be sad/mad all weekend if I wasn't able to go to the concert, but I can't make myself act like that for long, 'cause there would be no use to it, even though it is 4:45 in the morning and this could be my tiredness from talking ,and I may feel differently when I wake up.

I focus too much on the small picture and really need to open my eyes to the bigger picture. I have been lucky enough to have been blessed and loved by so many. I would go to the ends of the earth for these people, and I still feel like it wouldn't be enough to repay them for how much they have blessed my life.

I do have to say that in the past few months, the little bubble I have been living in for my whole life has popped/shrunk. And I am extremely thankful that it has, 'cause before that, everything was perfect, nothing was bad, nothing wrong/bad ever happened to me. I don't know exactly what it was that opened my eyes, but I do know that it was a good friend that help me see the real world. I realized that I can't push my beliefs onto other people, and not all other people believe in the same thing I do. I have come to terms that people get pregnant out of wedlock, and that people drink underage, and that people experiment with drugs. It's a fact of life that I am just gonna have to deal with. It doesn't mean that I have to participate in it. It also doesn't mean that if I have a friend/know someone that do things like that, that I can't be their friend anymore. It means that even though I may not agree totally with someone's lifestyle, I'm gonna have to deal with it, because as everyone always says "That's life." Just that plain and simple.

Up until a few months ago, I just feel kinda like I had a humongous stick up my butt or something...'cause lookin' back on what i was like a few months ago and even before that, I was so judgemental and I honestly did worry what people thought of me. I had self confidence and everything, and I didn't really have an issue with self-esteem. I was fine with who I was, and I'm fine with who I am now, but it's just amazing to see how low I was. I judged people by what they were wearing, or how their hair was cut, or how skinny they were....Even though I knew it was wrong, I still judged people... and now lookin' back on that, I just wanna punch myself in the face and say "IT DOESN'T MATTER ABOUT THE OUTSIDE!!!!!!" and I know people say that...but it really doesn't...when it all comes down to it, what matters most is the person on the inside, not even kidding.

I feel like God has opened my eyes and said, "Look at the true beauty." I look outside when I'm in a car now, and I don't just see grass or the sky. I see beautiful, lush green growth on the ground that God has given to us. I know it's just grass, but it is astonishing to know that God created that! and to know that there are all sorts of different animals and creatures blows me away, not to mention the fact that each person in the world is completely different. God's miracle's will never cease, and I wish I would have noticed them a long time ago. I'll be 20 in 5 and a half months, and I wish I had figured out all this 10 years ago. I'm just glad that I'm not 10 years from now wishing I had figured it out earlier then. I know that life throws hardballs and obstacles, but I think God puts them there so that we can help others overcome them and grow closer to Him through each other.

I know that was one extreme to another, but that's what's on my heart right now!

Coffee

I recently discovered the greatness that is coffee!!! I used to loathe coffee...now I can't seem to get enough!! What is it that makes it so irresistable?!?! I used to make fun of my brother for always drinking coffee, especially when it was like a million degrees outside!! But I have officially turned into him! I drink coffee whenever I get the chance...it's my drug of choice apparently!!